Thursday, February 25, 2010


[ This is a repost of an item originally published April 5, 2006. ]

Yesterday, a bag of Doritos informed me that it wanted to send me on a trip somewhere in the contiguous United States. It occured to me that "contiguous" is a fantastic word, and should be used more often. I commented to anyone within earshot that we should change the name of the country to the Contiguous States of America.

"But then we'd lose Alaska and Hawaii," said coworker Carrie.

"Good," I replied. "Who needs them?"

People who know me know that I am very anti-Alaska. That's not true at all, actually. The truth is that I don't feel strongly one way or the other about Alaska. Which is precisely why I wouldn't mind donating Alaska to Canada. In exchange for Alaska, we get Ontario.

How great would it be to have Ontario?! We'd have both sides of Niagara Falls, Marine Land, Canada's Wonderland, and we'd get Toronto! Who wouldn't love all that? Of course, when offering this trade to Canada, we have to remain poker-faced. We don't want them to know how much we want Ontario.

To sweeten the deal for Canada, our government would pay to build a brand new Hockey Hall of Fame, perhaps in Juneau or Nome. The Toronto Maple Leafs would also be relocated to same. And there would be no more hockey in the new America.

Ottawa, Canada's capital city, happens to be in Ontario. I propose Vancouver become the new capital of Canada. I don't know what they were getting at in the first place, having their capital so close to Washington, D.C. Shout your independence, Canada! Go Vancouver!

Now, taking Ontario would cause Canada to be split. Canada is already used to being contiguous, and they might not like being split up like that. So, I propose that Canada finally cave in and allow Quebec to become its own independent country. Those snobby jackholes always wanted to be independent; and if the rest of Canada is perfectly honest with itself, they hate Quebec. In fact, the whole world hates Quebec! So, let the chumps have their own country. They'll be sorry...

As part of the deal, the New America will begin an embargo against the sovereign nation of Quebec. The New Canada can do the same. And I'm sure Canada could convince the E.U. to do likewise. The E.U. wouldn't do it for us. They hate us. But they'd do it for Canada.

Now, here's where things get sticky. That only leaves us with 49 states. And once you have 50 states, there's no way you're going back to 49. But there are a few wild cards. Their names are New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, and Newfoundland.

Canada should give Newfoundland to Quebec. This won't be an easy transition, as people from Newfoundland hate Quebec as much as the rest of us. The people of Newfoundland must be given the option: remain Canadian citizens, become American citizens, or stay where they are and allow themselves to become Quebecois. Any Newfoundlander who chooses one of the first two options will have all moving expenses covered by the government of the chosen country. Furthermore, said Newfoundlander will be given a government job at equal compensation to the lifestyle to which he or she was previously accustomed.

As for the remaining territories... we get those. New Brunswick will become part of Maine, the total territory of which will be renamed New Maine. Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island will be combined into one state. It will be renamed; the new name is yet to be determined. It cannot retain the name Nova Scotia, as this sounds too Canadiany. The name Prince Edward Island can be left alone; P.E.I. will be the name of a city covering the same geographic area, within the yet-to-be-renamed 50th state.

At this point, it becomes obvious that Canada is getting the short end of the stick. They're losing a lot of land in this whole geopolitical realignment. That is why the newly rechristened Contiguous States of America will volunteer its forces to help Canada conquer Eastern Siberia in the name of Canada. Russia is very weak right now, and Siberia would be easily conquered.

Also, don't forget that Alaska is a LOT of land for Canada to gain. And we're just GIVING it to them. They might not even WANT Siberia after getting their hands on Alaska. Regardless, the offer stands.

Furthermore, if Canada wants Hawaii, they can have it, so long as they realize that they would cease to be contiguous. Frankly, I think it would be perfectly fine with Americans, Canadians, AND Hawaiians if we just left them out there to float around in the Pacific. They could surf, eat macadamia nuts and somehow insert tiny bubbles into their wine.

To sum up:
  • The new contiguous Canada would stretch either from Siberia to Manitoba, or from the Yukon to Manitoba. That's up to the Canadians. Our firepower is at their disposal.
  • The Contiguous States of America would look a lot like the United States of America, but would include Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Prince Edward Island.
  • Quebec would be an independent nation, and would include in its borders the territory now known as Newfoundland. Quebec would be a notoriously poor, starving nation, due to the embargoes imposed by the CSA, Contiguous Canada, and the E.U. But they'll have fish!
Man... I really can't wait to get Ontario.

(*Additional contributions for this post by Stephanie Zeitlin, who is marrying a Canadian.)

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